My systems theory..

 Human family, one of the long lasting and influential systems we go through in our lives, has always intrigued me. Being part of a very conservative, orthodox middle class family could be the source of this intrigue 😀.. however the intrigue is now on the mode of self-questioning and confusion!

I ventured into a new system called ‘family’of my own, like a lot of us do.. hoping the path to take its own journey and leading to its own destination. As I am on this journey now, a lot of, off and on questioning keeps happening- both with regard to myself and the system called ‘family’.

A simple definition of a ‘family’ according to me are a group of people living together with the thread of trust binding them and who extend support and care to each other. The reason the two people who began this family, came together could vary from hormones, soul mate kind of love, any other kind of love, friendship, like-mindedness, companionship, or some other need based chemistry. The reasons to stay together and the grow family, might keep changing, but the journey continues.

The bond grows until it becomes a comfort zone with similar routines and actions leading to a kind of ‘habit’. And this very habituated system makes each of us. This system gives us a lot of ‘default factory settings’ that we grow with.  And these factory settings according to me, have some unique universal characteristics:

-       ‘Fear’- Fear is definitely the first on the list. It also could be the last 😁, as I think all our lives are very strongly wound around this one characteristic. It also acts as one of the strongest motivation to do anything individually or as a family. Implanted in us very diligently right from a very young age of 12 months or younger.

This ‘fear’ leads us to living an aspirational life… most often of someone else’s. On the plus side, it is believed that this ‘fear’ leads to obedient families and thus an obedient society… I wonder!

-       ‘Time’ – Time is very definite language of assessing the success or failure of an individual / family. There is a time: ‘one needs to start walking, complete 10^th grade, start earning, start a family’, etc etc. Gap years, usually are questioned with an inquiry of some sort of deficiency in the individual. Family becomes bound to cover up any ‘gap year’ of their child, with relevant excuses.    

An inert component of ‘time’ is ‘speed’. To be on time, you have to do things in a particular speed. And as you grow, you get used to the speed to such an extent, that ‘now’ even if you have all the time in the world you still seem to be in a hurry to do just ‘anything’!

-       ‘Hierarchy’ – There is a hierarchical system in the family. Some unwritten rules which go on for generations. Unless you get married in some diametrically different household than yours, the couple usually carries on with the same set of hierarchical practices.

With this hierarchy, it is believed; comes respect and obedience which are characteristics the individuals would carry forward to the outside world too. The ‘father figure’ who is the stern decision maker and also the soft giver, the ‘mother figure’ for whom ‘other is always before ‘me’’ and the perfect children, who listen to their parents, can do no wrong, thus all leading to a happy family!    

-       ‘Exclusivity’ – Every family feels the need to be unique, and different. Unless you have the talent or skills to be really different, this feature is brought to reality through the consumption pattern of the family. Big and better are usually ways of leading one to this exclusivity club. This can include clothes, cars, houses, holiday destinations and also celebrations (of all kinds)!.   

      As we grow up to be adults, we either want to replicate our childhood exactly as it was, with our own children, or go the other extreme of giving them all that we didn’t get in our childhood. Either which ways, our ‘factory settings’ click in and the circle of life continues.

     Though I mostly trust the process, systems, sometimes does bring in the ‘3 F action’.. Fright, Flight or Fight for me.

      Being in one such phase, I was sitting at Vetal tekdi after a morning climb and this is what I witnessed …    

A water body reflecting the bright sun above.. shrubs and grasses growing in meaningful clusters around the water body.. rocks still alive after the quarrying done to them… trees at the landing guarding the valley all around.. 

Wasn’t this just a beautiful family system right in front of me? The ever encompassing ‘Sun’ who was the father figure, the all absorbing water body: who was the mother figure, the different grasses, shrubs, trees, and rocks, leading independent lives; the butterflies and birds visiting the family as guests; and the numerous other species I couldn’t even view from atop living along with all of them!

I couldn’t help wonder if this was just “grass is greener on the other side” kind of feeling or was this really a better family 😊

Then I asked myself if the universal factory setting applied to this family too.. Fear definitely was there in all species.. a basic instinct. Time was also very methodically followed by the plant and animal kingdom, without the use of any clock anywhere! Hierarchy was also there leading to an efficient and circular way of life. Exclusivity … was for sure there in each of these, how else does every bird get to choose her male partner or a plant wait for the right pollinator to make the magic!

What then was different in this system right here? A natural thread of universal setting prevailed, but no external rules, institutions, or markets led any of their behaviour. There was a simplicity in this system, no layers of undercurrents or duality. And ‘money’ was missing in this system. Another feature that was missing was ‘words’. There definitely was no lack in communication due to the vacuum of words, but that kind of made a lot of noise of influence disappear. The language that the wind carried around, was attractive and I just felt like staying longer…

But I had to go home.. the family was calling 😁 .. dabba, breakfast.. all had to get done and the clock was ticking..

As I walked back, I brought along…  silence spread with a flavour of cohesiveness. I realised all relations are very positive and strong at the basic level. Though when a lot of external systems come into play, like we have in today’s complicated world, the settings tend to get diluted.

The family, the office, the school, the administration, the religion, the country, the geo-political space, all these man-made systems with their complicated universe of words, power and money, play havoc in our basic factory settings..

If we could some how take them away ...